back down kid. you ain't ready for this.

The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most

An excerpt from the old blog of a dear friend, dated Wednesday, August 6, 2003:

Before I blow this thing wide open: yes, I realize people actually read this stuff, yes, this is my personal life I'm bitching about, and no, I don't fucking care. Does that set the tone for what's to follow? Yeah, pretty much, I guess. I'm just so crapped out right now, I gotta let it out SOMEWHERE. Writing always helps, especially when my head's messed up the way it is now.

Right now, I don't give a damn. So fuck it. Here goes.

Well I think I mentioned previously that I've probably found the perfect guy, but I might not get to keep him. I was right. On both counts. He's perfect. For me. My dream guy. In every way but one. And this one itty bitty thing we're not totally in sync with.... happens to not be so itty bitty after all. In fact, it's huge. It's the single most important thing in our relationship, or should be. No, I'm not talking about sexual orientation. Bad time for jokes? Fuck it, my life as a movie would be a dark comedy anyway. At least, it is now. Okay, so what's the most important criteria in choosing a lifelong mate? Wealth? Health? Having things in common? Being able to communicate well? Same wavelength? Social background? Family background? Education? Looks? On all that, I think we're pretty much all right. Great, in fact. We just click. Damn, this makes it so much harder. The one thing? God. I don't mean religion, cos 'religion' is just a word. I mean God. G-O-D. God. Your faith, your conviction, your life. On this, we're, well, so near and yet so far. Close, yet polar opposites. THIS FUCKING SUCKS.

You know, I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in soulmates. You just came into my life, now you're walking out of it??? No. Not gonna happen. If all we have is a little while, if all we have is TODAY, fine. So be it. At least we have today, at least we get to create our own memories. Bittersweet though they may be, they're better than having nothing to remember you by. And who knows? Miracles do happen. Oh well. C'est la vie.... that's life. What will be, will be. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour? He does. I've known that all along. Still, I didn't expect grim humour.... now I know. No, I'm not blaming God. If anyone's to blame, it's me. For taking a chance on you... cos I thought I was on to something good. I was. I am. Only, this might not last. But like I said, I'll take the bittersweet. Not like I have a choice anyway. Let's make this good baby. I don't see how else it can be, anyway. We are so good together. And hey, believe me when I say, you're unbelievable. I mean that in a good way! A very good way. Do you think we can make this work out somehow? I honestly don't know.... but I'm willing to try. We'll never know till we do. So. Here's to us.

So much more I could say, but.... another time maybe. I'm exhausted from everything. I wish I could be happy and cheery and talk about what a great day I had with my wonderful freshies, but then, I also had a pretty sucky night. Screw it. I don't cry over guys. Not usually. But I guess there's always a first time for everything. Guess you can be proud of yourself. No, that's just stupid. Sorry. I'm just really emotionally drained right now. And physically, pretty wiped out too. Well this IS a first, it's usually the guy crying over me, getting all emotional, and I could never understand why. Now I do. Yay. I so hate this.

Still and all, thank you for coming into my life, for all that you've given, and all that's to come. I guess what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? So if I don't die from this, I ought to be able to make it as a pro wrestler. Well, that's something at least. You see, I've still got my sense of humour. That's a good thing. Keep yours around, I think it'll come in handy a lot of the time. Anyhoo. One last thing before I go. If or when we do go our separate ways, know this: I'll miss you awfully. I'm already missing you. Damn. You know the rest. A lot of what I had to say, has already been said. So.

That's it. I'm done. For now. This is exhausting, soul-wrenching stuff. Think I'll write more some other day. Or not. Oh and, for what it's worth, it was worth all the while... I hope you had the time of your life. I did. Still am.

Funny how everything comes full circle. Anyway, here's to us yeah? It's been a great three years, no matter how things are now. Thanks for sticking around through all the good and the bad times, the joy and the tears, and all the fuck-ups in between.

It's been a weird, emotionally-draining week. So tough that I've resorted to using long winded titles of albums by indie emo bands to headline my posts (Dashboard Confessional, take a bow). There probably isn't anyone curious why, since it feels like I've poured my soul out to everybody and anybody willing to listen, just to figure out if I really am making a fuckload of a big mistake. Sooo, thanks to everyone for listening and offering all sorts of well-intentioned advice. Ooh yes, and thanks for all the support that all you peeps have offered over the past 3 years regarding the 2 of us. Hope we didn't let anyone down in the end.

I'm pretty much sure there really isn't any other way now though, so this would be the bit where I sit back and hope for the best.

posted by crapshoot @ 8:02:00 AM