back down kid. you ain't ready for this.

The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most

An excerpt from the old blog of a dear friend, dated Wednesday, August 6, 2003:

Before I blow this thing wide open: yes, I realize people actually read this stuff, yes, this is my personal life I'm bitching about, and no, I don't fucking care. Does that set the tone for what's to follow? Yeah, pretty much, I guess. I'm just so crapped out right now, I gotta let it out SOMEWHERE. Writing always helps, especially when my head's messed up the way it is now.

Right now, I don't give a damn. So fuck it. Here goes.

Well I think I mentioned previously that I've probably found the perfect guy, but I might not get to keep him. I was right. On both counts. He's perfect. For me. My dream guy. In every way but one. And this one itty bitty thing we're not totally in sync with.... happens to not be so itty bitty after all. In fact, it's huge. It's the single most important thing in our relationship, or should be. No, I'm not talking about sexual orientation. Bad time for jokes? Fuck it, my life as a movie would be a dark comedy anyway. At least, it is now. Okay, so what's the most important criteria in choosing a lifelong mate? Wealth? Health? Having things in common? Being able to communicate well? Same wavelength? Social background? Family background? Education? Looks? On all that, I think we're pretty much all right. Great, in fact. We just click. Damn, this makes it so much harder. The one thing? God. I don't mean religion, cos 'religion' is just a word. I mean God. G-O-D. God. Your faith, your conviction, your life. On this, we're, well, so near and yet so far. Close, yet polar opposites. THIS FUCKING SUCKS.

You know, I don't believe in love at first sight, but I do believe in soulmates. You just came into my life, now you're walking out of it??? No. Not gonna happen. If all we have is a little while, if all we have is TODAY, fine. So be it. At least we have today, at least we get to create our own memories. Bittersweet though they may be, they're better than having nothing to remember you by. And who knows? Miracles do happen. Oh well. C'est la vie.... that's life. What will be, will be. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humour? He does. I've known that all along. Still, I didn't expect grim humour.... now I know. No, I'm not blaming God. If anyone's to blame, it's me. For taking a chance on you... cos I thought I was on to something good. I was. I am. Only, this might not last. But like I said, I'll take the bittersweet. Not like I have a choice anyway. Let's make this good baby. I don't see how else it can be, anyway. We are so good together. And hey, believe me when I say, you're unbelievable. I mean that in a good way! A very good way. Do you think we can make this work out somehow? I honestly don't know.... but I'm willing to try. We'll never know till we do. So. Here's to us.

So much more I could say, but.... another time maybe. I'm exhausted from everything. I wish I could be happy and cheery and talk about what a great day I had with my wonderful freshies, but then, I also had a pretty sucky night. Screw it. I don't cry over guys. Not usually. But I guess there's always a first time for everything. Guess you can be proud of yourself. No, that's just stupid. Sorry. I'm just really emotionally drained right now. And physically, pretty wiped out too. Well this IS a first, it's usually the guy crying over me, getting all emotional, and I could never understand why. Now I do. Yay. I so hate this.

Still and all, thank you for coming into my life, for all that you've given, and all that's to come. I guess what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? So if I don't die from this, I ought to be able to make it as a pro wrestler. Well, that's something at least. You see, I've still got my sense of humour. That's a good thing. Keep yours around, I think it'll come in handy a lot of the time. Anyhoo. One last thing before I go. If or when we do go our separate ways, know this: I'll miss you awfully. I'm already missing you. Damn. You know the rest. A lot of what I had to say, has already been said. So.

That's it. I'm done. For now. This is exhausting, soul-wrenching stuff. Think I'll write more some other day. Or not. Oh and, for what it's worth, it was worth all the while... I hope you had the time of your life. I did. Still am.

Funny how everything comes full circle. Anyway, here's to us yeah? It's been a great three years, no matter how things are now. Thanks for sticking around through all the good and the bad times, the joy and the tears, and all the fuck-ups in between.

It's been a weird, emotionally-draining week. So tough that I've resorted to using long winded titles of albums by indie emo bands to headline my posts (Dashboard Confessional, take a bow). There probably isn't anyone curious why, since it feels like I've poured my soul out to everybody and anybody willing to listen, just to figure out if I really am making a fuckload of a big mistake. Sooo, thanks to everyone for listening and offering all sorts of well-intentioned advice. Ooh yes, and thanks for all the support that all you peeps have offered over the past 3 years regarding the 2 of us. Hope we didn't let anyone down in the end.

I'm pretty much sure there really isn't any other way now though, so this would be the bit where I sit back and hope for the best.

posted by crapshoot @ 8:02:00 AM 1 comments

(From Direcow. Who got it from Alanna.)

[1] I have read a lot of books.
[ ] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[2] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[ ] I have been to Canada.

[3] I have been to Europe.
[4] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[5] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[ ] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[6] I have been snowboarding/skiing.

[7] I have played ping pong.
[8] I swam in the ocean.
[ ] I have been on a whale watch.
[9] I have seen fireworks.

[10] I have seen a shooting star.
[ ] I have seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I have almost drowned.
[11] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.

[12] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[ ] I have had stitches.
[ ] I have had frostbite.
[ ] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[13] I have stayed up ’til 2 doing homework/projects.

[] I currently have a job.
[] I have been ice skating.
[] I have been roller blading.
[14] I have fallen flat on my face.
[15] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[ ] I have been in a fist fight.
[16] I have played video games for more than 3 hours straight.
[17] I have watched the Power Rangers.

[ ] I attend Church regularly.
[18] I have played truth or dare.
[19] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[20] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[21] I’ve called someone stupid.
[22] I’ve been in a verbal argument.
[23] I’ve cried in school.
[24] I’ve played basketball on a team.
[] I’ve played baseball on a team.
[] I’ve played football on a team.
[25] I’ve played soccer on a team.
[ ] I’ve done cheerleading on a team.
[] I’ve played softball on a team.
[] I’ve played volleyball on a team.
[] I’ve played tennis on a team.
[] I’ve been on a track or cross country team.
[26] I’ve been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[] I’ve bungee jumped.

[27] I’ve climbed a rock wall.
[28] I’ve lost more than 20$.
[29] I’ve called myself an idiot.
[30] I’ve called someone else an idiot.
[31] I’ve cried myself to sleep.
[32] I’ve had (or have) pets.

[33] I’ve owned a spice girls CD.
[ ] I’ve owned a Britney Spears CD.
[34] I’ve owned an N*Sync CD.
[35] I’ve owned a Backstreet Boys CD.
[36] I’ve mooned someone.
[37] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
[ ] I’ve been in the newspaper.
[38] I’ve been on TV.
[] I’ve been to Hawaii.
[39] I’ve eaten sushi.
[40] I’ve been on the other side of a waterfall.
[41] I’ve watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[42] I’ve watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[] I’ve watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I’ve watched the Stooges.
[] I’ve watched “Newlyweds” Nick & Jessica.
[43] I’ve watched Looney Tunes.
[] I’ve been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.

[44] I’ve been called a geek.
[45] I’ve studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[46] I’ve not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[] I’ve hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[] I’ve hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[47] I’ve met a celebrity/music artist.
[48] I’ve written poetry.
[] I’ve been arrested.

[] I’ve been attracted to someone much older than me.
[49] I’ve been tickled till I’ve cried.
[50] I’ve tickled someone else until they cried.
[51] I’ve had/have siblings.
[52] I’ve been to a rock concert.

[53] I’ve listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[54] I’ve been in a play.
[] I’ve been picked last in gym class.
[] I’ve been picked first in gym class.
[55] I’ve been picked in that middle-range in gym class.

[56] I’ve cried in front of my friends.
[57] I’ve read a book longer than 1,000 pages.
[58] I’ve played Halo.
[59] I’ve freaked out over a sports game.
[ ] I’ve been to Alaska.

[60] I’ve been to China.
[] I’ve been to Spain.
[61] I’ve been to Japan.
[] I’ve had a fight with someone on AIM.
[62] I’ve had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[63] I’ve had serious conversations on any IM.

[64] I’ve forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[65] I’ve been forgiven.
[ ] I’ve screamed at a scary movie.
[66] I’ve cried at a chick flick.
[67] I’ve watched a lot of action movies.
[68] I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs.
[69] I’ve been to a rap concert.

[70] I’ve been to a hip hop concert.
[71] I’ve lived in more than 2 houses.
[72] I’ve driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[73] I’ve driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[74] I’ve been in a car accident.

[ ] I’ve done drugs.
[75] I’ve been homesick.
[76] I’ve thrown up.
[] I’ve puked on someone.
[77] I’ve been horseback riding.

[78] I’ve filled out more than 10 myspace/LJ surveys.
[79] I’ve spoken my mind in public.
[80] I’ve proved someone wrong.
[81] I’ve been proven wrong by someone.
[] I’ve broken a leg.

[] I’ve broken an arm/fingers.
[82] I’ve fallen off a swing.
[ ] I’ve swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[83] I’ve watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[84] I’ve forgotten my backpack when I’ve gone to school.

[ ] I’ve lost my backpack.
[] I’ve come close to dying.
[] I’ve seen someone die.
[85] I’ve known someone who has died.
[86] I’ve wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.

[] I’ve done modeling.
[] I’ve forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[87] I’ve taken something/someone for granted.
[88] I’ve realized how good my life is.
[89] I’ve counted my blessings.
[90] I’ve made fun of a classmate.
[91] I’ve been asked out by someone and I said no.

[] I’ve slapped someone in the face.
[] I’ve been skateboarding.
[92] I’ve been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[93] I’ve lied to someone to their face.
[94] I’ve told a little white lie.

[95] I’ve taken a day off from school just so I don’t go insane.
[] I’ve fainted.
[96] I’ve had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[97] I’ve pushed someone into a pool.
[98] I’ve been pushed into a pool.
[99] I’ve been/am in love.

My grade: 99 / 158

posted by crapshoot @ 1:22:00 AM 0 comments